It's a beautiful summer evening in Missoula, and I am sitting in my new favorite cafe called "Break Expresso".  I only recently discovered it when Peter was up visiting me over the fourth of July weekend.  Marcy James from RMSP met Peter and I here to discuss the Advanced Intensive Program and to answer any questions we had about it.  This must also be my lucky spot, as Peter agreed that it would make sense for me to stay through AI (but not one moment later!).

I haven't blogged for awhile, and miss the therapeutic aspect of it. There is so much in my head, that I need to get it out and try to make sense of it all.

The program is going well for me, although there are many days (hours, minutes, seconds) where I feel frustrated, lost and wonder what the hell I am doing here.  The incredible about of information that I get on a daily basis makes it impossible to properly digest and process into my life in any coherent manner.  So, I take notes and try to be as present as possible and hope that I am not missing anything critical.  The level of instruction is very high, although there are a couple of teachers who aren't able to teach the material as well as I want them to do.  I wonder if others are feeling the same way?  I have learned more in the past 6 weeks than I have in any other point in my life.  And, surprisingly, my brain hasn't completely forgotten how to think!

Am I making progress with my photography?  I know I am, and I also know that there is still so much more to learn.  I have 4 more weeks of SI and then 2 professional studies classes.  I am flying home for a few days and then coming back for AI.  These 2 programs together will give me most of what I need to successfully move forward and start my career as a working photographer.  The where and how are yet to reveal themselves.  Home just in time for my 55th birthday.  Incredible.

I am feeling some stress.  The group that I have been put into is full of kids and it is getting to me.  They are all wonderful people, but there is a particular energy that accompanies them that is frenetic and disruptive to me and a couple of the other people in the group.  The incessant chattering and laughing and drama is zapping my energy and at times it is next to impossible to concentate in lab.  I have an appointment with the head of the program tomorrow at 1pm, with hopes that I can just ease on over to group A without an fuss.  I'll will be praying for guidance to say the right things tomorrow and, whatever the outcome, I know that I have tried to change it.

It is interesting to encounter situations like these in my life.  Do I live such a quiet and simple life that I have virtually eliminated conflicts?  Well, I no longer have people with unpredicable behaviour in my life anymore.  Emily is gone.  My dad is gone.  I have fabulous, mentally healthy people around me-most of whom do not play games or require "special" handling.  I crafted my world and don't want to have to deal with a lot of crap from people who are stuck in the drama of their lives..  I want to be real in the world and have real people with me on my journey.

Now that I am staying in Missoula for 3 more months, I need to organize my time better so that I can get back until a mentally and physicaly heathy routine.  That means:  3-4 days of exercise per week; at least 1 meeting a week; talking to PB every day, Judy a couple of times a week, and staying more in touch with other friends as well.  It will make me feel much more connected to be world and less alone.  On a positive note, I have been eating well.  I do miss Peter's wonderful dinners, but I manage to eat well on my own and not eat too many sweets.